Have you ever....

Have you ever wanted something so much it made u cry....
Have you ever needed something so bad u can't sleep at night...
Have you ever tried to find the words but they won't come out right...
Have you ever....

For those of you unschooled in the lyrics of Ms. Brandy Norwood, take a moment and re-read the previous section. Let the words marinate within you. Take a few moments and just think back over your life.

It's not unusual for people to have wants. We all want something...big or small, cheap or extravagant. One of the common threads among people is desire.

Have you ever found yourself wanting something that you couldn't have? Either because it was illegal, or because you had no true right to it, or simply because you didn't have the means to that end. No matter what the something is, does it always manage to escape your grasp?

I'm there now. There is a dream that I have, something that I long to see manifested. I would move heaven and earth to realize that dream. But alas, I can't do anything to bring it to pass. This is one of the few times in my life where I'm not in control. For those of you who don't know me, I love control. I don't particularly care for surprises...why? because they rob me of the decision making power!

So here I find myself...hungry and thirsty...no food in sight...no libation either. I'm dying on the inside but smiling on the outside. Is there an answer to my problem, I'm sure there is. But I don't have it. You don't either. The one person who can possibly grant my petition is being very quiet. And it angers me. Why give me desire and leave it unfulfilled?

I have no problems owning up to my own shortcomings. I don't have a college degree yet because of my mistakes. I don't have a Bentley yet because of my dumb decisions. But this thing that eludes me is nothing of my own doing. If I make a mistake that caused my lack then I can at least rationalize that and see why or create a gameplan for getting it. But this time I'm totally innocent. I'm just a man wanting something that it doesn't seem like he's going to get. Granted it's not been a long journey, as journeys go...but hell it's been a tiring one!

I'm drained. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of it permeating my dreams - day and night! I need some rest. But what if I get so good at resting that I'm too complacent and mad to come back. So what do I do - I keep obsessing over it and I keep pushing it back. I let it to the surface but then it becomes too much to bear so I push it back again. When it comes back it comes back with force...like now.

Life is what it is...just relax and go with the flow. Easier said than done.

Ugh...

I think that I just read the most disgusting thing ever. I often visit this message board for guys who are trying to lose weight. It is often filled with encouraging tips, recipes, and usually a bunch of guy stuff - since most diet plans are usually female centered. Anyway, there was a post today from this guy that made me throw up a little in my mouth. His question/comment centered around "Big Jim & the Guys"...and how he walks a minimum of 4 miles a day but has noticed recently that he has a jock itch type of thing. He went on to describe the itching and the smell and all of that other nasty stuff that makes me want to gag. He wondered what he could to do cut down on the 'wetness' he experiences from his workouts and how he could remedy that ailment. I wanted to ban him from the site, but I lacked the power hand down such judgment. Some things are just too yucky to discuss...even behind the veil of anonymity presented by cyberspace.

Ok, I did run last night. I did the walk 3/run 5 routine and it was quite rewarding. I didn't see my grandfather again yesterday, but I think that I was close. In other (just as exciting) news, I ran an entire mile without stopping. I sure did. I was up at 5:30 for my usual Tuesday morning workout and after my 5 minute warm-up I figured that I'd jog until my legs hurt and then I'd do the elliptical...well long story short as my five minutes came to an end I felt the running demon lurch in my stomach and I decided that I'd push it as far as I could. And a mile was as far as I could push it. I was immensely proud and horribly tired (and sore as all get out). But I went on after that to do another 2 miles on the treadmill...and though I ran after that spurt nothing quite measured up to that mile. Ain't life grand?

On another totally different topic, don't u hate bills. I mean gosh darn it - why does everyone who provides me a service automatically expect to get paid? Does no one do anything out of the goodness of their hearts anymore? I'm tired of their envelopes and their annoying phone calls when I neglect to pay them. Why can't they leave me alone? It's not like I hound them, I go along about my day without bothering them, is it too much to ask for a little reciprocity?

Another day, another blog. Hope you all have a great day!

I don't wanna run.....

Have you ever known that you had to run - or at least jog and it was the absolute last thing you wanted to do? ***Holla if ya hear me Jenny**

I find myself in that situation today, right now as a matter of fact. I started a journey of running, I started it off all nice and neat and organized, increasing a minute each week on the time that I would run...seeing how I started at 1 minute I'm not very far along now. But somewhere along the road of exhaustion, laziness, shin splints and the elliptical machine I got complacent on that method of increasing. Somewhere around run 3 minutes/walk 3 minutes I got tired and just stopped. And as a result I've just become comfortable. That's not saying that I can run three minutes with no effort, it is saying that I'm content to stay there for a while. Well let's rewind to my workout on Friday, I don't know what kind of demon hit me, but I ran in intervals of 5 minutes. It was rewarding, though close to the last part of the last interval run I could have sworn that I was seeing my grandfather.... and that would have been a wonderful thing except that he's been dead since the mid 1980's!

When I'm not running I'm usually doing aerobics or the elliptical or some other form of cardiovascular exercise. I never neglect the cardiovascular portion of my routine - in fact it is what I concentrate on. And granted, I could get in all the cardio I need and then some on several other machines and I could avoid running all together.

But running is something that I want to do. "Why" you ask? Maybe because I'm crazy and a glutton for punishment. But mainly because I realize that it burns considerably more calories than a stroll and I think I'd look soo cute doing it (am I vain or what?). More than that, I promised myself that I would run a 5k. Not run/walk a 5k, but run a 5K. I don't think I realized what I was promising myself. Someone who's never been a runner (even as a kid playing kick ball I'd walk the bases....lol) but me trying to run a race. Mind you, I don't give a darn about actually winning or hitting a qualifying time, I just want to run that 3.1 miles and have a picture of me crossing the finish line. Since I made that promise, it is a must that I carry on. It is a must that I push myself and run. Hopefully, I'll hit that goal by the end of this calendar year. What a great blog that'll be.

If I don't die tonight, I'll make sure to mention how I fare tonight.

Pray for me, please!

True & Complete Healing

Do we ever truly and completely heal from the hurts and disappointments of life?

Background....Today is the 9th anniversary of the death of a good friend, my girlfriend actually. It was my fault..no matter how you twist the story - the fault still finds it's way back to my doorstep. We were on our way home from my senior prom...she was a junior. Due to a mixup, I had lost the money I had allocated for a hotel room and lost contact with my friends from whom I was gonna bum the money (this was before the time when everybody and their mom had a cell phone). Here we are 90 miles from home and stuck. Little money and late at night. So we take off from Hot Springs for my dad's house in Pine Bluff, both of us tired from the day's activities and just glad to be together. The first hour or so of the trip was fine. We talked and laughed and listened to the radio in the truck and just chilled. About 30 miles outside of Pine Bluff she kisses me goodnight and straps in for a nap, understandably so - it is about 2 or 3 in the morning. So I'm driving and as sleepy as heck. I have my window down and the radio up as loud as I can without waking her...all in the name of staying awake. I nod a couple of times but wake up before any major damage is done. 12 miles outside of Pine Bluff (in Sheridan) I fall asleep...not a nod I was really asleep. It couldn't have been more than a few seconds but anyway I fell asleep. When I woke up we were on the shoulder of the other side of the road and rocks and debris was hitting the windshield. I'm convinced that the noise from that is what woke me up. Anyway, after waking up and realizing that I was on the shoulder of the other side of the road I panicked and overcorrected and instead of slowly and nicely getting back on my side of the road we ended up headed for the trees on the otherside of the road. All that I knew to do was hit my brakes (and so I did), well that sent us and the truck flipping and we ended up upside down in a drainage ditch. Long story short, her seatbelt locked and mine didn't. I managed to get out of the truck before it filled with water but she didn't. I went around and tried to pry her out of the truck, but since her seatbelt was stuck and locked there was nothing that I could do (they had to eventually cut the seatbelt because it didn't unlock). All in all it couldn't have been more than 3-5 minutes between the time that I went to sleep and the time that we came to rest in the drainage ditch. But in those few minutes my life changed forever, as did the lives of her family, friends and all who knew her.

Fast forward to today, it is 9 years later and though I've moved on with life and managed to piece my life back together I'm not sure that I've healed. I still dream about her. I dream about the accident. I dream about her parents and siblings who are forced to live life without her. I'm claustrophobic as a result of that night. If I happen to watch something on tv or a movie that depicts drowning I will begin to hyperventilate if I don't watch myself. Of course I've heard it said a million time that God does things for a reason, but that brings little comfort when it's actually you living through something. And I'm wondering if I'll ever truly heal?

The pain today is just as real as it was then. The pictures of the time we shared are just as vivid today as it was then. It bothers me when I can barely remember what her voice sounds like...so I take myself down memory lane to the familiar things that she used to say just so that I can remember her voice, but the remembrance of her voice makes me sob within.

How do you heal? Does healing bring closure? Does closure bring forgetfulness? I can't say that I want to forget her or what happened. I don't know if I want or deserve not to feel pain at the thought of her. She's gone and I'm here. My dad has me still but her mom is without her and will forever be so. Why should I be allowed not to feel that? What gives me the right to ignore that?

"Why" seems to be the question that reigns whenever I allow myself to travel this road. Oh, how I wish I knew why? Maybe that would bring some clarity to an otherwise muddled situation.

Sonya.... though you're gone and will never read this - I love you and I do truly miss you. I wish things would have turned out differently. I would gladly trade places with you.

Mrs. Cook....though you will probably never read this either - I'm eternally sorry for the continued pain and turmoil that I decisions have cost you. I will never be able to fully convey to you how sorry I am. I hope that through the years you have been able to do the one thing that I couldn't do ....forgive me!


.......Mystic_Journeyer

Do we really have a choice?

I was reading earlier this morning and came upon this quote. I don't know who said it or really where it comes from, I just know that it spoke volumes to me:

"There are two choices really.You can either:
1) surrender to the pressures of life and the struggles of this particular battle, or
2) continue the fight, and do so with even more vengeance and determination to reach your goals then you did before.

Now let me preface this by saying that "this particular battle" will be different for each and every person who graces the face of this earth. Don't get caught up so much in the battle itself, but your reaction or your response to the battle.

I choose #2. I choose #2 in every area of my life that shows signs of weakness. I refuse to simply give up because it's too hard. I refuse to give up because its uncomfortable. I refuse to be beaten by something, anything just because I'm lazy or ignorant or just plain tired.

Surrendering seems so easy, especially at the onset of a war. How easy would it be to just get it over with. But once you surrender you basically become the slave or sit at the mercy of your captor. Is that anyway to live?

But to fight and TAKE your freedom or to take your destiny is so much more rewarding. I'm trying to lose weight now (that is no secret) but I often think about how easy and how much less tiring it would be to just stay like I was. I could eat what I want, when I want and in quantities that I want. But, for now, I'm pressing. I'm pressing my way to the gym, I'm pressing my way past fast food joints, I'm pressing my way into my kitchen to prepare healthy meals. Why? Because I refuse to be held captive and hostage in a body that I'm not at least somewhat happy with.....especially when I have the power to change it. There are thing that we are powerless to change, but if I can change it then it is up to me to make that turn. Every day isn't easy or even fun, but I know that I'm heading toward my destiny and so that provides a little fuel on days when I'd rather be eating @ Chik-Fil-A with Jenny!

Mystic......

Tit for Tat

Tit for Tat....This for that....

I'm a tit for tat kind of person. Good or bad (probably more bad than good) but that's me. Take it or leave it. If you can't take it then baby don't dish it. Because I promise I'll serve it up to you bigger & better than you've ever dreamed of before.

Having said that, let me say that this is a facet of my character that I'm trying to change. It's not always fun or healthy to be some big vengeful nut...out to get people that hurt you or wrong you. Does anyone remember "The Rifle Man"...starring Chuck Connors? It was an old black and white western show. This guy went around handling most of his disagreements and wrong doings with his rifle. And every show someone died. I'm not sure that I want to go through life killing people...even if only metaphorically!

I have this need to get back at people. I have a need to feed you your own medicine. I feel justified when doing this, because if it didn't taste good, then why in the hell did you feed it to me? It's not just strangers who cut me off in traffic that I want to get even with, it extends way farther than that. It's a disease, one that can ruin the best of relationships if not gotten under control. But it gives me pleasure to see you squirm when put under the same pressure you put me under. For example, if we're working on a project together and you decide you want to trip and blame me for something that went wrong. Rest assured I'm going to be on my p's & q's and watch you squirm when u make a mistake...and I'll smile on the inside as you outwardly shrink and shrivel.

Ok, I am the devil. We've established that in previous posts. Now I need to do better. But how? That is seemingly always the question. How do you stop the cancer before it eats up the host? I see it and I feel it but I feel it's my job to feed you what you feed me. Why should u get away with it but I have rules. Yes, maybe you didn't know but what kind of comfort is that to me?

I guess that it will take an active decision on my part to be a better person. But my dilemma is this - In some situations vengeance is good but in others it's not. Who gets to decide? Or am I just wrong and vengeance is never good...

At any rate...trying to get myself under control.

Oh, by the way...had a great time at the Fred Hammond recording/concert. Was well worth how drained I am this morning.

Being proactive vs simply reacting

This is my second post for the day and though I usually only post once a day, both topics have been lingering in my psyche for the past couple of days and I needed to get them out, not because they were burning so hot but because I will forget them.

Do we (I) know the difference between being proactive (to prevent a situation) vs simply reacting to something that has already taken place? As I float through time and life I spend much of it reacting. This thing happens so in order to deal I do that...so on and so forth. I'm trying to become the person that looks ahead and sees the storm forming and turns my ship so that I can avoid the storm altogether.

Having a proactive attitude is more than being organized. It's more than simply thinking about what you are doing. It takes more than a fleeting thought. Being proactive means weighing the pro's & con's of any decision/action and choosing the best one for you. Being proactive doesn't mean that you won't hit the storm or the troubles - it doesn't even mean that what you choose will be the best decision, but it means that you will have a better chance of being prepared for the storm and it's outcome and therefore able to steer your way through it easier. Being proactive gives you more leverage in becoming the "master of your own destiny."

How many decisions do we make out of haste? How many actions do we perform before thinking it all the way through? Maybe we do think about it and in the end we decide that we just don't give a F**K about the fallout that it will cause. But in some cases that has to be better than waiting until after you make some dumb decision or take some stupid course of action and then stand there while your life is falling down around you crying, whining and whimpering. "I didn't think about this happening" or "I didn't want it to turn out this way," - that's what you'll be crying, but I won't be listening.

Earlier I talked about second chances...but they do eventually run out. Even the good Lord has a threshold that once you cross he'll release you until you're ready to come back....think Prodigal Son...no love loss but a release to do your own thing!

Just a tidbit of advice to me (and whoever else happens upon this)....BE PROACTIVE!! Don't simply let things happen to you....make then happen for you!

Second Chances

This is the first of two posts today....

There is really nothing more precious than a second chance. Who knows that better than someone who has been given a second chance? I speak from experience...having been given volumes upon volumes of second chances (and having granted a few myself).

Though I've been on both ends of the second chance wheel, I wonder if they really work? That's a bit cynical, I know...especially since I often find myself on the needing end of just one more chance to make things right or one more chance to be a good person. But that feeds into my question...how many second chances can one person get or grant before it gets old.

My Pastor is fond of quoting the following comment: David (from the bible) committed a multitude of sins...but never the same sin. To basically say that yes people make mistakes but you should learn from them and go forth and forge new territory.

A person can't necessarily be faulted for making mistakes while doing new things but when you keep stepping in the same puddle on the same street on the same day of the week, while walking the same mangy dog then you have to recognize the pattern and correct that. That is more for me than for anyone else...but take it for what it is.

I think that we, more specifically I, have to move on from the things of my past and make some new mistakes. That sounds so funny, but it is so real. But in order to do that we have to be real with ourselves....that brings me to another topic. Why do we lie to ourselves? Is it because the truth would cause us to change and we hate change so much? Is it to protect others? Or is it because we just refuse to see and acknowledge the truth? It's okay to be real. It's okay to know you and to be comfortable with yourself. We all say that we are real, but we are a bunch of the fakest things I know. We lie or omit things for peace sake...who's peace? If things are so innocent and so above ground then why is there a need to lie. If it looks wrong then it is probably wrong...don't you have that much common sense.

Ok...my rant is over...back to second chances. We all need them at some point and time and they are a necessary part of life....but when given a second chance...do all you can to make it work. Don't take it for granted or act as if it was promised to you or as if you deserved it.

I'm goin on a journey...don't u wanna go with me...let's go find our real selves...

Til later...
Journeyer

Fred Hammond

I'm going to see Fred Hammond....for those of you who may not know who he is - he is only my wife's favorite gospel singer. (google him)!

He'll be in Dallas doing a live recording for his new dvd/cd and so I'm takin the wifey and off we'll go. And right back we'll come to make sure that we're home for Easter. Gotta be at home on the day that Jesus rose!

I had a pretty busy weekend. I had to get the tags for the car on Friday, and on Saturday I had to play the husband of the house and mow the yard and since the sun was shining I had to wash both vehicles. Well the lady helped with hers, but you know how that goes. Saturday night we went to a gospel concert given by the local college choir. It was really good. You know that it has to be some kind of good to get me to church on a Saturday night...

On another note, we've been watching The Wire (any fans out there???). We're still on the brink of the first season and have a ways to go, but it's fun watching tv with your lady (and rewatching episodes because she misses stuff)!

I know that you guys are used to some heavy, black brimmed stuff from me...but I gots me some real good lovin last night and I'm just as happy as a lump on a log today. I may be broody tomorrow....we'll see.

Here's hoping that you all get some so good it makes the hair on your toes curl up into knots.

Mystic Journeyer!

I just want it to be over....

I feel your pain
Really I do
How easy it would be to run away
To be who you feel inside you are
But don't give up

I'm standing with you
I'm crying for you
I am actually you, just a little older and wiser and worn
So take my advice and don't give up

You are so much more than you see
Though it has eclipsed the years of your youth
and made you appear flawed...you're perfect in your own way
This fight is fixed and believe me it's in your favor
So please my friend don't give up

Even if you have to peer through blackened eyes
And confess through cracked and bloody lips
And swing with swollen hands
Don't give up

Once you're declared the victor and the fight is over
I'll be the one standing there helping to hold your hands up
I'll be the one helping you to tell you story to the masses
Just a bit longer my friend, don't give up!

Faking It....

There are many women out there who have given this simple term an entirely different meaning...but that's not what I want to write about today. I want to talk about faking it as it pertains to the relationships in your life...wherever you have formed them.

We fake so many things. We don't like people but we front and fake and pretend that we do like them. If someone makes a decision that we don't necessarily agree with, we fake like we're okay with that until we're out of earshot and then we let our true feelings show.

I wrote yesterday about our incessant need to be accepted and a part of that is no doubt faking for others.

I'm so bloody tired of faking like I'm okay when I'm visibly flawed. I'm tired of being the bigger person and pretending that things don't bother me when they are tearing me up...but in order to keep the peace and not rehash old stuff I bury them. Is that a sign of maturity or just another facet to my fake character?

I always say how I hate fake people....two faced people...backstabbers. But could it be that what I hate about them are the very things that I see in myself.

It's like we are afraid to be ourselves. We're afraid to say that something offends us or bothers us or ticks us the hell off...because we want to be pleasing to all people. We don't want to turn anyone off or have anyone think ill of us. While that thinking has its place, we are sacrificing the core of who we are to please or pacify others.

People as a whole tend to be situational and not really holistic. We say what we think others want to hear in a situation instead of what they need to hear to be a better person holistically. I'm giving anyone who reads this permission to hurt my feelings. Don't pity me because of a situation, but hold my black tail accountable for my mistakes. Don't speak to me in a cutesy tone...tell me what will make me a better person...and in the end I'll love you for it. I may not have a word to say to you, but I will love you for it and I'll be a better person and friend for it.

My disclaimer: I'm not giving anyone a license to be an asshole...all things within reason - but be honest for goodness sakes!

I ain't gon beg you....

As I was sweating away on the elliptical machine this morning (yes I am getting sooo fine), I was listening to an old but familiar song on my ipod. Fantasia was singing "Ain't Gon Beg You", and I was singing right along (much to the dismay of my fellow gym-mates).

As she sang the hell out of this song, which is geared toward an unappreciative or inattentive mate, I begin to think about all of the other ways in life that we "beg" people.

I can't really speak for anyone else, but I know that in my own way I have been (and probably to some extent still am) guilty of begging people....for approval, acceptance and the list could go on and on!

I know that it is almost a cultural norm to seek acceptance and approval on some level...but dang don't we take it to the max sometimes. The car we drive has to be a certain model/year, the clothes we wear has to be a certain name brand, our neighborhood has to be at a certain level or we feel inferior.

I understand wanting to be in style and wanting to have the best of the best but when your main driving factor behind wanting all of that is to impress somebody else...that's just whack! Yes WHACK....

Life is soo much more than what you have and can get. Please don't take this as a rant against nice things....cuz believe me - I luvs me some nice stuff. But I want nice things because I like them not to make someone else think that I am all that or that have "achieved." Simply put...I ain't gon beg u!

Is Ignorance Really Bliss?

I guess you can see a trend forming....I like to tackle cliches'. Things that we take for granted, or may have been saying for years and in some way make ourselves subconsciously believe.

I can never really say that I bought into the whole idea that being ignorant about something made me happy. Maybe because of my nature, which is to know the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth - so help me God. At all costs I want to know the truth. I want to know everything there is to know about everything...and no not just because I'm nosy (lol). I have a NEED to know and I'm really not joking.

There are things in my life right now that I feel ignorant about and I'm so far away from bliss - as a matter of fact I'm uneasy.

I very rarely take things at face value. I will mull over what a person says as well as what they take the time to leave out. People tend to forget that only roughly 10% of communication is verbal. So while you can say one thing with your mouth, your eyes can be telling a totally different story. Your mouth may speak good things but the way you tap your fingers are telling me of your disgust or your agitation. The way you grunt and nod your head is speaking volumes over the words you speak with your mouth.

So while I'm resting and flowing with the things that I don't know, I'm trying to tell myself that ignorance really is bliss. I'm trying to teach an old dog new tricks. It's hard to go against your very nature take things as someone else says it is, and not go on what you feel or what you think you know.

It's almost as if you're at war with yourself (and who needs another internal war)....

But to break it down, your heart is telling you that the sky is blue and that all is well. But your gut is reminding you of the last storm and how the sky was blue then too....until the storm clouds quickly moved in and the bottom fell out of the sky and you nearly drowned.

Somebody help me....tell me how to ignore the gut and go with the heart. It's easier said than done...though the benefits are soooo much greater. Tell me how to embrace bliss while being ignorant....I'm open to all.....

Seeking and hopefully finding....
Mystic Journeyer