Back to life...back to reality...

It is always hard coming back to work after an extended period of time...even if it is only a 3 day weekend. How I'd love to be rich from sitting home watching Dawson's Creek reruns.

Had a decent weekend....the wife and I volunteered @ Riverfest on Friday night, but were too tired/lazy to get back up to make it to the Morris Day & the Time concert. I did hear reports that Morris & Jerome did get off though...hate I missed it.

Spent some time Saturday playing and swinging with a friend. It's amazing what friends can do for your self esteem and your disposition. I hadn't gotten on a swing in ages, but we had contests to see who could swing higher and we ran around like we were kids. I was sweating and stinky by the time we left, but I had a great time. Thanks CaCo!!

Sunday was the usual, church and dinner with friends. I always enjoy going out with my church friends. They are really good people and funny too. It's amazing how friends and a little fried catfish can take your mind off of the pressing issues of life, if only momentarily.

After dinner the wife and I retired to the house to watch The Wire. We're finally past the first 5 episodes and I think that we're addicted. We have one dvd to watch and we'll be done with the first season. Bring on the second season. I've been really enjoying the time we've spent watching and navigating our way through the intriacies of The Wire and it's creepy and sometimes violent characters.

Yesterday we grilled out with some friends. We had sooo much food. I was full just looking at the spread that we had. There was food aplenty, and no one left hungry or even mildly full. A good time was had by all, but of course since we had to go to work, we had to cut the evening short to prepare for today.

I didn't run this morning, I think that I suck a little bit, just a little bit though. I'm going to go tomorrow though. That reminds me, I need a stopwatch.

That was basically my weekend in a very small nutshell.

We'll talk more later.

Yaaay....It's a three day weekend. Can we make it four?

Jenny made me laugh today! She said that I was skinny (banish the thought) and that she thought that she would have to stage an intervention to ward off my addiction to dieting and weight loss. After all of this hard work, it feels good to have someone say that I look skinny. I've looked like alot of things in my life, but skinny has never been one of them. Thanks Jenny....you're the friend of the day!!!

I'm so looking forward to my 3-day weekend. I'll probably choose one day (Monday) and splurge and eat without counting every calorie that enters my mouth. It'll be fun no doubt, but I'll wake up on Tuesday obsessing about running it off....I can run...snicker snicker wink wink!

My friends (Peaches & Brown Suga) are gonna run a 5k with me. Either in Arkansas or Dallas...we haven't decided. It'll be great fun, to accomplish that goal and have good friends doing it with me. Now I guess I've actually got to start training for it, instead of beating aimlessly at the treadmill.

I'm in a pretty good mood today, though there are things that I could fuss about. I was so sleepy this morning and omg was I gassy! I was so gassy that I had to go buy some Gas-X. I don't know if it helped or not, but whew. I was too stinky. You know it's stinky when you can hardly stand it yourself.

You shouldn't go looking for trouble, because if you're looking for it the chances are great that you'll find exactly what you're looking for. But how can you not look when you have questions? Hmmm. And once you find trouble, what's the proper response? It's so hard to hold it in, but what good can come from releasing it? I know this is cryptic, but it's therapeutic for me...sorry!

Riverfest this weekend (www.riverfestarkansas.com)! Morris Day and the Time..."Fish-Net, black panty hose." Fun times to be had by all!

a whole bunch of stuff....

Have you missed me as much as I miss you?

Ok, let me catch you up on my life. Still pretty busy and on top of all of that it is getting hot outside. I'm not going to complain about how I'd much rather have nice springy, wind blowing weather than blistering hot, making me sweat and stink weather. God knows that I'd rather be cool, but if he decides to make it hot then I'm sure that I can live with that.

We had our first real appointment with the infertility doctor yesterday - actually we didn't see her but one of her nurses that we're pretty friendly with. We probably won't see her again until actual retrieval...which may be sometime in early July. We'd taken quite a long break after the first two ivf's failed and just rested. We worked on us a little and I think we're ready to try again for the whole baby thing.

I actually had forgotten how emotional all of this makes me. To invest time, energy, money and hope into a process that could very well fail for the 3rd (and final) time scares the bee-jee-bee's out of me. How do you enter into this with high expectations? The first time we did it (last summer) I had the highest expectations and then after all summer long waiting and doping the wife up and the pregnancy test still comes back negative, it kind of deflates all of that hope. So when prepping for the second time I was obviously less enthused than the first time but still I held some kind of hope, some kind of promise and to achieve a chemical pregnancy that ends as quickly as it started deflates my enthusiasm even more. Now here we are on the cusp on a third attempt and try as I might I find myself hopeful, even enthusiastic. I'm trying to find a balance between hope and reality, faith and my circumstances. It's not an easy thing to do. It's stressful and it's not always fair.

For the amount of money we're spending I should be ecstatic (and I am...thoughts of fatherhood have always brought me good feelings) but they are tempered with the reality that this could once again end with a sorrowful call from the nurses.

Ok, I'll to keep this updated with the ups and downs of our 3rd attempt at becoming parents. Not everyday will be grand, but I'll try to be as honest as possible. This whole thing just reminds me, continually, that I require medical intervention to do even the most natural of manly tasks. What a blow!!

Psalm 34:18 - The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. .......I try to use this scripture to let me know that no matter how I feel, no matter how my emotions are running rampant, no matter how alone, enclosed or different I feel that I'm not alone. The one who made me understands how I feel and will (someday) come to my rescue.

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School is almost out (for a couple of weeks anyway) and I am so tired of World Literature. Who knew that I would wish death to authors that had been dead for centuries?

Going to Dallas several times in the next few months....I think Dallas is one of my favorite places on earth. Maybe not the place, but definitely some of the people.... I'll be going the second weekend in June to kick it with friends. The third week in June I'll be going back for business (I think) and for my birthday in July. Yaaaay. I'm moving to dallas....ok the wife won't let me but yeah I would (I think)!!

Ok, I'm going to do some work now.

Promise to be back soon.

Sweet Rest

That's what I need. That's what I want. That's what I'm missing right now. As much as I know that I should take time for myself and just rest, I just can't seem to make it happen. There is always something to do. A yard that needs mowing, a book that needs to be read, chores that need to be done. Something or someone always demands my time. It would be better if there was an end in site, but there is no end. My weekends (which are really the only time I can vision resting) are booked through the middle of June. I'm always fussing at my wife to take time for herself and invest into herself, but I can't find the time to smell my own tail....

I'm tired. I really am. Tired of what I don't know, but I am tired. Maybe rest will come, maybe not....but I can't quit yet. The ride is just getting started and I'm strapped in for the long haul.

Enough of the heavy stuff, what's been happening people?

Work has kicked up a notch, hopefully after we ship this next project I'll get a few minutes to breathe (and blog more).

It's almost summer time, are you ready? I am, I guess...but ready for what is the question. I have no big summer plans. It'll probably be spent like last summer...full of nothing.

Ok, I have so much to say, but I don't feel like rambling or whining so I'm going to end this and try to get my thoughts together. I'll get back to this, I promise.

Have a great one....

Settling...

I have been meaning to write this since Sunday afternoon, but the busy-ness of life has kept me from paying proper attention to this.

How often do we settle for something? How often do we let our dreams fall to the wayside because we're either too scared or too busy or simply too involved in other's dreams to make ours a reality? Are we settling for less than our best? I guess that question would be better asked, am I settling for less than my best? This job is not my best, I can tell you that much. I know that there is something out there that I would love to do and actually be good at, but what is it? I'm actually a little scared to find out what it is because what if I can't do it...for whatever reason. What if I'm not smart enough to make it happen, or what if the circumstances of life prevent me from ever realizing it. Will I be 50 years old and still unfulfilled? That can't be, I'll go crazy. I promise I will.

Ok, totally off subject...a friend of mine told me today that she was a 'gagger'. It cracked me up. Maybe I am a perv, I don't know but I busted a gut and was amazed that she thought she could just say that and I wouldn't crack up. Granted we were talking about horsepill vitamins, but still! Am I the only perv around......

Dedication on Sunday went beautifully. The baby was sooo cute, I wanted to just kiss her over and over again. Seeing that makes me think about the reality of my own situation. How empty would my life be if we never had kids? Sure we'd be the greatest aunt and uncle in the world, but will we ever have kids of our own? And if they're ugly will I be upset that we fought so hard to have them --j/k ;-)--.

I promise to try and make more time for you in the future...i should never go a week without writing something. I think too much to keep it all balled up inside of me. I'll go insane...insaner (is that a word?)

Simple Things....

I have realized that as I strive for greatness and completeness, I often forget to remember and enjoy the small things, the simple things. Things like vanilla ice cream or Frito chili pies. Okay, I am a little hungry for fattening foods, but really now. I'm talking about good ole conversations. Instead of flying off to the Bahamas what abt driving to granny's for the week. Instead of going to the IMAX or the Rave, why not watch old movies together so you can pause it and have dialogue about what's going on.

Simple things, like picnics and swinging in the park. I look towards the extravagant and look for ways to make things standout, but I'm making myself slow down and just dwell on the small things. Things that I would usually label insignificant or things that I would normally put on the back burner. I realize how much I love simple conversation...about the weather, about shopping. Not everything has to lend itself to deepness. It's okay to just have some idle chatter with someone you love.

Kissing a baby...even if it is ugly. Playing checkers instead of Grand Theft Auto. It doesn't have to be hard....just simple. Great joy often times comes from the smalles things.

I'm feeling a little nostalgic today...

Hope you people have a great weekend!

Somebody call DHS....

I think I've been neglecting you...my loyal blog readers.

Believe me it hasn't been intentional. I've just been extremely busy with school and stuff and work and stuff and the wife and stuff. Speaking of the wife...today is the 4th anniversary of our wedding. Isn't it wonderful to be in love....She's the better part of me. She makes me like getting up in the morning and laying down at night (wink wink)! Our relationship has come a
long way and I think that it is finally coming full circle. We are finally entering into the relationship of our dreams....after four years...that's a long darn time. I read the statistics and they say that if you make it past 7 years that you've usually passed the thresholds where most marriages fail. I feel that way now. Of all the reasons that either one of us could have used to call it quits, we both persisted and marched on and made it work. She's my best friend and my greatest comfort. She's the one that I look forward to speaking with the most and the one I miss the most when we're apart. I hope that she's reading this and smiling now because seeing her smile does wonders for my spirit. Thank You God for bringing her into my life. I don't know what it would be like without her, and because of you I won't have to find out!

Ok back to me. Life has been hectic. So much to report, so little time. Last week I ran an entire mile without stopping...I can't remember if I reported that or not but it still lingers in my recent memory of exciting events. I hit my goal of 250 lbs today. Yeah that's still a lot, but its 47 lbs gone for me. I'm well on my way to sexy-ville. I still want to lose another 40-50 lbs before I'm done. Everyone keeps saying that will be too much, but I'll just take it pound by pound and find a happy medium between where I'm happy and where I don't look like I'm hunting for my next fix.

This weekend is Toad Suck here in Conway. It's a big festival...a reason to eat and spend money if you ask me, but no one did.

Sunday is the dedication of my godchild (and she's a beauty too...I'll have to post pictures of her later). So I have to buy a new suit, since all of my old ones fit like a potato sack and hide all of my newfound sexiness. As much as I like looking good in a suit, I hate spending money on one. Gosh darn it!

Life has been to busy to have many problems. The ones that arise usually get the lowest priority because I have too many other things on my plate to fully consume them. That's a good thing though because there was a time when I had too much time on my hands and all I did was create problems and dwell on them. Thank God for deliverance.

Today I find me in a place of peace, a place of contentment, a place of semi-rest.

Coke Zero Rocks!!!!

Despite the protests and complaints of an unnamed coworker (Jenny) I know that Coke Zero Rocks! It is better than Diet Coke, and yet doesn't have the calories of a regular Coke.

Ok, off my Coke Zero soapbox.....

I feel funny today. I feel something nagging at me. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Could things be going too good? Could things actually be working out in my favor? Maybe so, but that puts me on edge because I'm used to having to labor and tarry for things to come, and even then they don't always come the way I would like for them to.

I've made some serious decisions in the past couple weeks and I'm actually at peace with them. Much to the dismay of my wife (even though she's now on board) but at first she couldn't believe that I would be willing to take that road. I know I have just piqued your interest in whatever's going on in my life...but hold your horses. Good things (or gossip) comes to those who wait....

But anyway back to my eerie feeling...I don't know what it is. I guess I expect something to happen. Usually I can trace or pinpoint the exact cause of my feeling and sort of have it validated, but today I can't. And that's bothering the heck out of me...

Ok...moving on.

My birthday is July 9th. For my birthday I'm getting a tattoo. I'm taking all suggestions as to what to get. I'm too scared...what if it disfigures me? What if after I get this it's not as cute as I think it will be? These things are permanent you know! I can't even decide what I'm wearing to work until after I get up in the morning...I know people who iron clothes for the entire week. I just can't do that. What if my mood changes and I want to wear something totally different. So if I can't commit to an outfit to wear for 8 hours, how and I going to commit to a friggin tattoo that will never wash off. I'm so fickle.

Next up...who hates the Iliad? I do, I do!!!