Forgiveness....

When did forgiveness become so darn hard - to give and receive?

In the days of old people would have their knock down, drag out fights and would still be there for each other and have each other's back. One would offer forgiveness and the other would graciously accept...or at least that's the way I understand the system to work.

Nowadays, if you piss me off one time, I'm out to get you.

Before I become guilty of being the pot calling the kettle black, I must admit that I'm a vengeful person. If you hurt me, I've got to hurt you back....and I have to hurt you worse than you hurt me. That's just the way it goes. Now if you keep on hurting me and keep on stepping on my trust and friendship and all that other good stuff, I become cold and hard hearted toward you. You may never know it, but I'm plotting your demise...lol.

No seriously, we are quick to tell someone who has hurt us that we forgive them, but in reality we're still reminded of that hurt daily and sometimes by the hour. I know that forgiveness is a process, but when does it start? And how can it start? What's the foundation for forgiveness? I'm asking questions here but I have no answers.

You can only fake it so long, in any relationship or friendship, before it manifests itself in some kind of wicked way.

I suppose that it is different for every person and in every situation and I'll find out my answers by walking out the roads of my existence.

Really Random Post

I had a great breakfast this morning...not something that I would normally have, but it was filling and good for me and actually good to me. It was a breakfast frittata (made with egg beaters, broccoli, green peppers, onions & tomatoes). Basically it was a crustless quiche.

I'm finally going to breakdown and buy a few new pairs of jeans. My current ones are getting too too big and while I like my clothes big, I'm not in to the slouchy look. I would tell you what size...but I'll wait and see if they fit first....I can't wait until I can squeeze all this ass into a size 38 or 36 jeans. It's gonna be on and poppin! LOL....look out world here I come.

Transition seems to be the word of the week for many people, myself included. I was reading another blog this morning (Shout out to His Son!) and the question that kept coming to me was "how do you leave your friends with whom you've shared so much over the years, especially when you don't share the big things anymore." I understand the need but the how is what baffles me. I think that he was asking the same question....on some level anyway. I guess we'll both find out the specific answers when the time is right.

Transition, though always necessary for growth, can be one of the loneliest and gut wrenching times of life. As I prepared for high school graduation I remember thinking how I didn't want to lose my friends. I thought that we'd always be close like we were. There was a core group of 6 of us and we were extremely close (it was a residential high school). Today, almost nine years later, I'm close to one of them, I keep in pretty consistent contact with 2 - consistent is probably quarterly, and the other one I pretty much ignore. It's funny how times change and with the times comes new friends/new situations/new likes & dislikes. My circle of friends looks almost nothing like it did 2 years ago. Some come and go and some stay for the long haul.

To all who are experiencing transition, know that you aren't alone. And though your transition may make you an entirely different person, I'll love and support the new you....

Existing or Living...There is a difference

Have you ever given thought to whether you are simply existing or actually living life?

I was going through my morning routine this morning and began to ask myself that question. And though I could come up with no concrete answer I must say that the thought of waking up 40 years from now, heck even 20 years from now and realizing that I've been floating through life simply being tossed to and fro and not making any waves of my own scares me.

I am no longer satisfied with mediocrity. I want extraordinary...extraordinary everything. I don't just want an okay marriage, I want a super marriage. I don't just want an ok or average sex life....I want the hairs on my toes to stand on end when my wife enters the room. I'm tired of simply liking my job, I want to love my career. The list goes on and on...But u get the drift (sorry random chick for the abbreviation)!

Mediocrity is the enemy of greatness. As good as that sounds, I didn't make that up. But even though I stole that from someone else I truly believe that. I am 26 years old and though my life hasn't all been hell it has the potential to be sooo much more...if I get off my tail and make it that way.

Now that I have a will to do...I need a strategy. That's where the actual work comes in. It's not enough to have the desire but I also need a good plan. Though greatness may not come over night, it shall come. I'll be honest and say that I don't have the strategy lined out....but I'm not resting on that. It's rolling around in my mind and I'm looking for ways.

If you have any suggestions or know something that I don't....hit a brutha up.....

Till next time!

Superman/Clark Kent....who are you today?

I want to be Superman...able to leap tall buildings in a single bounce. I want the X-ray vision...able to look through any situation and see it for what it really is. I want to be able to fly high above any problems that tend to flank me....Oh and I like the redness of his drawers....I have a pair like those at the house...I'll post the pic later!

The truth of the matter is that while I long to be Superman, my reality is that I'm Clark Kent. I tend to flow through life mostly unnoticed. And while I'm cool with flying under the radar, sometimes I long to shine. I want to shed my insecurity and make waves...Am I crazy? I long to be in the forefront and be the hero - if only for a season. I want to be the one who comes on the scene and makes things better. I want to have an effect - positive effect - on something/someone.

As I write those words, I realize that having the spotlight doesn't come cheap nor does it come without added responsibility and that if I were there I'd probably be longing to be Clark Kent. It's impossible to please me...

Maybe being Superman is funner in dreamland than in reality. Because, you see, people in dreamland don't have real problems. They are often fighting fictional characters (I don't know who Superman fought...but Batman had the Joker, the Penguin and other ugly people)....but the people in my reality are fighting real things....poverty, lust, homosexuality, laziness, drug addiction, a nonchalant spirit, misdirection and the list could go on and on. And though I long to be their Superman and rescue them from their problems the truth is that if I don't have the key to solve my own issues then it's almost assured that I don't have the key to yours....

Which do you prefer? Oooh I just remembered Superman's enemy...wasn't it Lex Luther?

I'll try to post something lighter tomorrow....til then........

Never Alone But Yet Lonely?!?!?!?

Who among us wouldn't love to be stranded on a tropical isle, with a few drinks and even fewer friends? Give me a satellite television, and a cell phone with no reception, a quilt and a laptop (so I can surf the net and keep up with the news) and a month off of work and I'd be happy.

I guess you can tell that I'm tired and in need of a few days off - not only from work but from life. Is it possible to call in sick to life? I can tell that I'm tired because things that I usually devote alot of time and energy to are lacking and I don't have the strength to pick them up. I've not read a book in weeks. Exercise is slacking off (but i'm getting back on that horse at lunch time) and my house is a mess. I get off of work and all I want to do is lay down and watch tv. I say that I'm going to spend a day laying around and resting, but instead I spend it ripping and running. Is there any me time? Am I a priority?

No one's issues are solved because I spend time worrying about them - not even mine! Why do I stress myself out and stretch myself thin for other people. Sometimes I think I get strength from it, but am I really just a tireless gossip? Am I one of the people who want to know just for the sake of knowing? Or do I occupy my time and my life with the problems/issues of others because I am afraid to spend time alone with me? Am I afraid to get to know me - without the background noise of my favorite television show or my ipod playing my favorite song or my cell phone sending and receiving texts?

What am I so afraid of?
I can't be that bad a person can I?
Can my thoughts be that lethal?

I can spend all day listening to the thoughts and problems of others and sometimes I can offer a kind or encouraging word, but I ignore the things that plague me until the last minute. I ignore my own problems and questions until they are either too far out of hand or until they go away....hmmm what does that say about me?

Today, for at least 30 minutes I promise to spend time alone with me. NO DISTRACTIONS. I wonder what I'll find out about me that I never knew before. I'm scared....you should be too!

To love or not to love....that is indeed the question.

The longer I live and the more of life I experience I learn that loving someone is a choice. Many would have u believe that love is something that konks you over the head and directs you in a path that you had no desire to follow, but I must disagree. Loving someone, heck for that matter loving anyone is a choice. Making that choice may lead you to do things that you normally wouldn't do, but it's a choice nonetheless.

I made a choice to love my wife and though that requires me to make a choice not to love other people and/or other things it is a choice that I made. Though I look back and wonder what I was thinking when I made that choice (lol) I am committed to sticking by that choice. At one time marriage and a life with her seemed like the best thing in the world to me. I look back on that decision on the days that I want to let it go and it reaffirms my commitment to her and to us.

Just like going to college - I know that there had to be a reason that I signed up for certain classes, though at test time I can't quite remember why I signed up for that class or what purpose it serves in the totality of my life. But though I can't see it's purpose doesn't mean that the purpose is automatically negated. It just means that I've got to make sure to pass this class/test so that I don't have to retake the test. Because even though it would be another semester and probably another teacher, the content would still be the same and there would still be tests! So since I like my teacher now I think I'll stick with her. At least I know the format of her tests and I know that she grades on a curve.

Today is going to be a great day...the sun is shining and the birds are singing. Jamie Foxx is singing in my ear telling me to "Come and get that money". Things are well on the inside of me. My mind is in a good place today. Let's hope that the weekend takes the same tone.

Pease (yes I spelled it wrong on purpose...gosh!!)

Give Us Free!!!

I was up early this morning, just couldn't sleep. Had too much on my mind, too many thoughts vying for primacy. Too many feelings to rest. Perhaps I should have gotten up to pray (that would have been the most beneficial and calming thing to do), but you'll find out that I'm not always so practical. Anyway, instead of praying I decided to watch 'The Brothers' on TBS. Granted I only caught the last 30-40 minutes of it, but since I consider it a good movie full of eye candy it was gratifying all the same.

One of the lines from the movie that always makes me laugh is when D. L. Hughley says "Give us free." He is referencing a quote from the movie Amistad - any other time this would have made me laugh, but this morning it caused me to stop and think. Think about all of the things that we want freedom from, the many things that there are to be bound to and desire freedom from. What do you know, I'm a closet philosophical thinker....

As I lay there, trying to be still so I wouldn't wake up the wife, I thought abt the things that I wanted freedom from. Then I began to question my desire for freedom. Is that desire to be free real or do I desire a freedom from the guilt and consequences that they bring? For instance, it is no secret that I desire to be free from debt. The question that I had to ask myself is if I desired to be free from debt (as in to owe no one) or if I desired to not have my credit rating effected when I didn't pay on time or have my lights turned off if I quit paying. There is a difference. I hope that adequately convey's what I mean. It could be related to anything...just ask yourself like I asked myself...do I want freedom from 'IT' or the guilt/stigma that 'IT' brings. I'll be interested in the answer that you come up with....

Mystic_journeyer

What a day, what a day, what a day!!!!

Though this is officially my first post, it is by no means my first attempt at self expression....

I have so much to say, and really no one who will listen. If no one else in the world reads this will I be okay? I'm sure the answer is yes because this is a platform where I can be totally hidden and be totally honest without fear of judgment or criticism or advice. All I want is a place where I can be open and free.

I'm a 26 year old African American male who lives in Central Arkansas. I'm married with no kids (I'll deal with that on another day).

Life is pretty mundane right about now....nothing exciting happening...but that's cool with me. I've had enough excitement for 10 men and I'm happily living a drama free life right now.

You'll come to find (if you stick with reading this long enough) that I'm a pretty complex individual with many different moods and many different facets to my character. One day I'll be on very in love with my wife of 4 years and the next day I'll be lusting after Boris Kodjoe (the shit has already started to hit the fan....lol)! Today I'll be happy and tomorrow I'll be questioning the very meaning of life...but stay with me....I'm on a journey to find me and exactly who that is. I hope that I like me at the end of this journey and actually I hope that you like me too...but the emphasis (for once) is not on you...it's on me!

Love, Peace & Hairgrease
Mystic Traveler