I had a nice, long, thought-provoking post written yesterday about old habits and our tendencies to fall back into them. But my stupid computer ate when the internet decided to freeze up. So I rebelled and refused to write it again. Maybe the inspiration will hit later and I'll bless you all with my thoughts.

Moving on....we had the first ultrasound since starting the stimulants this morning. After four days of meds there were 19 detectable follicles in the ovaries of my pin-cushion of a wife. I was a bit scared at first because I didn't see anything but gray space, but after the nurse informed me that was the uterus not the ovaries I calmed down a bit. I guess I've still got a little bit of training before I'm ready to hang my medical degree...lol. But anyway things seem to be progressing well. She's a good responder to the medicine - and not a big complainer. Who would have thought that the extract of pregnant primate urine would have such an impact on the human body! I neva woulda thunk it!!!

There was this lady ahead of us who was complaining about how bad her legs hurt from the injections and how she could barely walk from the pain and how she almost gave up. That sparked an idea that would surely make me right. I am going to find a way to make these drugs in a non injectible form - say like a syrup. Of course like with all other medicines, they will have side effects. You may go blind in your left eye (anything other than temporary blindness please see referring physician), you may have anal leakage and itching and temporary numbness. But hey...no injections.

Ok, back to reality. The nurses seemed really pleased with the progress. We'll probably go back in on Sunday or Monday morning for another ultrasound to make sure that the follicles are growing appropriately and getting to a mature size. There's no concrete date for retrieval or transfer so my Dallas birthday trip is in the air. That's ok though because I can always go to Dallas. And we still may be able to squeeze it in, we'll see.

It's very hard not to get excited or get your hopes up when you have an appointment like we did today. Even though you know that nothing is promised and that it is not guaranteed to work, you have to hope against reality. I don't think I really understood what that meant until today. Being raised in church you always hear those types of cliches and I've gotten pretty good at putting them in perspective with reality. But as I continue to live and experience things I realize what it means to have faith in spite of what could be or what may be. So we'll see....

We're gonna rest this weekend and try to eat healthy and stay cool.

We'll talk more later...

Laughing @ yourself....

Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself - not because you've done anything especially funny or extremely silly but because it is a good thing to not take yourself too seriously. When we begin to take ourselves too serious, we run the risk of thinking more of ourselves than we ought. As much as I'd like to think so, I am not God's gift to the world or to any particular person. Well, let me rephrase that, I am a gift from God, but not his only gift...nor his most extravagant gift. The more that I remind myself of that the more I'm able to accept my shortcomings and my faults without wanting to throw myself off of a bridge.

Life is not always what we would wish, but it is always what we make of it. Last night I was having a conversation with a dear friend and he kept saying how unhappy he felt and how unhappy he was and how he wishes this and if it weren't for that and it made me sad. Because for the first time in a long time I can't say the same thing. I was sad for him, not for me. Because he doesn't realize that he is the cause of his unhappiness and the author of his own torture - as many of us are. I realized that any unhappiness or any unfulfillment in my life is usually caused by my own hands. I, and I alone, have the power to make me happy and on the flip side of that same statement, I and I alone have the power to make me sad or to disillusion myself into thinking that the grass is really greener.

I have spent a great deal of time, both in dreams and reality, thinking about the what if's of life. What if I had made this decision or what if I hadn't made that decision??? In the end all of that brought me to a place where I didn't trust God or myself because every decision was subject to second guessing. That doesn't mean that there is no regret in my life, but regret will not chart the course of my life. Sure I wish that some things could be different, but try as I might I can not go back and change them and so I resolve to make the best out of the reality of my life.

Reality is a funny thing. You can't wish away a problem or dream away an issue. You can only live tomorrow differently to get a different outcome. 2+2 will always equal 4. It is not until you plug in different numbers that you will get a different outcome. If you want different results then do different things. You can't continue to think the same way or do the same things and expect for your heart to feel differently.

Not that you ignore what you feel but don't feed it. Don't pour into it, especially when you are saying that you want something different. Tropical punch kool-aid is always red...if you want purple kool-aid then get some grape and put away the tropical punch!!! It really is as simple as that. Not easy mind you, but simple!

Happy Monday morning, if there is such a thing!

Today was the starting of the stims. You'd think I'd be a pro at mixing and giving these shots by now, but I was just as nervous as ever. The shots that we'd been doing up until now have been pretty simple, just insert the needle into the vial and withdraw a certain amount and voila...you're ready to poke. Well not only are these medicines more complicated - they are way more expensive and way more important than the other drugs we've been taking. Too much and you'll over cook the eggs....too little and you won't feed them enough. Well I start playing with the equipment last night and to my surprise the pen doesn't work the way that the lady told me (a month ago). So I'm freaking out because we have to give the injections before the office opens and so I need to know before then. Luckily, common sense prevails and I realize why it is not working, but that doesn't lessen my anxiety about it. So this morning comes and I go into the kitchen to prepare the medicine. And I promise that I feel like a chemist or something. I'm following directions like - take .5 cc's of this saline solution and mix with the powder in this vial. Draw that up into a 3 inch needle syringe and change the needle and set aside. That's just one medicine.... Then for the other two similiar directives. I get them all prepared and coax the wife out of the back and prep her for three shots. And I have to remind her that these three aren't it. We have two more tonite and then we start all back over tomorrow morning and continue until they tell us to stop. Yippee..... Well the first two aren't so bad because they are sub-q (small needles that sting but only momentarily). The last one is the IM (intramuscular) and is given with a three inch needle in her thigh. Sounds as ugly as it really is. Well, I can tell that she antsy. No matter how many times you've done this a three inch needle approaching you tends to make you a little anxious. After I break the skin I can tell that it hurts because she's flexing the toes on her opposite foot. I finally get all the way in and pull back on the syringe (to make sure that I haven't hit an artery) and inject the medication. You'd think it'd be over there, but no, coming out has to hurt just as much as putting it in.... just ugliness all around. And we have to repeat this whole thing in about 12 hours. Happy happy joy joy!

I know that I sound cynical, but I really am grateful to both modern medicine for the possibility that they are providing me and my wife for going through all of this. I'm not sure I could do it. I'm really a big sissy....

I want to go to Florida for a month. Just sit by the water, I don't really have to swim. I just want to get away and chill. Hopefully after this whole thing is over we can get away and just chill out. Rest & relax and talk about something other than this or work or bills. ooh I hate bills...figured I'd throw that in for good measure.

Friends of mine (coworkers mostly, 1 friend) are going to NYC tomorrow. And they're leaving me here. I wanna go, only cuz it'll be boring here without JAC, but hey I guess I'll live.

Weekend was good, I look like a rainbow today! Bought some shorts this weekend, makes me look sexy, I'll have to post a pic. Ooh I'm so vain - not really, but I so have the potential.

bye...

Tomorrow vs. Today

Have you ever been so consumed with what tomorrow holds that you neglect to realize what you have in today? There is an old cliche' that I can't remember, but it goes something like - Tomorrow never comes, blah blah blah, something about today is just yesterday's tomorrow.

Ok, so I royally screwed that up, but I hope you get what I'm saying. I spend alot of time preparing for tomorrow's tragedy or tomorrow's appointment. So much time that I usually neglect what's going on today or what's presenting itself for today. It's a bad habit that I'm not sure how to break. How do you not focus on tomorrow's - the bills it will inevitably bring, the chores that will have to be done, errands that will have to be run? Why is it so hard to just take things day by day and not worry about the unknown things...especially those things that I have little to no control over.

Anyway, it's the weekend again. I don't have any big plans but I'm sure that something will present itself and it'll be up to me to put up my barrier and deflect it.

I'd sure like to be lying down now. Am I lazy? Probably so, but who cares. Sleep is wonderful and I like wonderful things.

oooh what I wouldn't give for a chicken biscuit from chick-fil-a or a stomach that rippled and pecs (manboobs) that didn't shake when i ran. But as I think about it chik-fil-a doesn't necessarily go hand in hand with rippled abs or rock solid pecs. Do you ever find yourself in a lethargic state where nothing is right. No matter what you're doing, it's just not right or happening the way you pictured. Is anything ever enough? Any accomplishment ever fully satisfactory? Am I just an old grouch? Probably so...and so i'll quit my ranting and bitching and holler at u good people later.

It's all just a tease....

I should be in Dallas today, sitting through boring meeting after boring meeting, but no. It is not so. Just as we were preparing to leave TPTB (the powers that be) for some odd reason decided to postpone our trip to a later time. Now, as much as I didn't want to go to Dallas and sit through boring meals and meetings I wanted to be here at work even less.

So here I sit, trying to exhaust the internet and having little luck finding anything of value that is not blocked by my job's filter.

I need to mow my lawn, but I just don't wanna! I just plain don't wanna! I want to go home and watch reruns of my favorite shows and let the weeds take over...even more than they already have.

Does anyone make enough money to live comfortably without wanting for more? Does anyone really live by a budget? I'm sure the answers to those questions are yeah and I'm sure that I even know a couple...it's just hard turning into one of those people. That's my quest though. Over the next 12 months, we're going to eradicate extra's from our life. We cried last night as we pondered which of our extra channels would have to bite the dust and which of our bills we could do without. Keeping up with the Jones' isn't as easy or as fun as it sounds. Who in the hell are the Jones' anyway and why do we want to keep up with invisible people? Are we stupid?

Don't you hate it when you get midnight texts from dumb people about dumb things. And you want to cuss them out and tell them to quit wasting your text messages (since your plan limits the amount you can get anyway) but telling them that may exclude you from the funny ones that they will eventually send out?

Don't you hate it when you have piles of clothes that need to be washed and folded up, but you lack the energy and the desire to fold them? Or when you'd rather go to Wal-Mart and buy new draws instead of washing the ones you already have? Or when you have a room in your house that you wish would implode and fade away because you don't really feel like shredding and packing up allthe books, papers, and miscellaneous junk that you've gathered over the years?

Anybody wanna meet me at Burger King and splurge on a Whopper with Cheese and a large fry and drink. I really feel like eating today, but then I'd be forced to remember it when I stepped on the scale, so I guess instead of eating away my boredom I'll try and work it off. Dontcha hate it when you have like a bunch of more weight to lose and you want it to be gone like yesterday but your belly still jiggles? Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Huh, dontcha!?!?

peace.....

mt

Amazon Addict

Does anyone know of a rehab for people addicted to internet shopping? I think I have this unnatural love affair going on with Amazon. I can get most anything on there and they'll even ship it right to my front door. And the amazing part is that they remember my credit card number and all I have to do is click one button and I can order anything I want to. I don't even have to remember to bring my wallet. Amazon is amazing.......

My weekend was full. Between entertaining friends that came in for the memorial service and helping out to make sure that things ran smooth this weekend - my weekend was completely full. I did get a little down time to watch the fight. Jermain...please keep your guard up and cover your face and stay out of the corner. Even I know that much...c'mon now. But as full as the weekend was it was rewarding to get the chance to celebrate the life and legacy of someone who lived for so long and meant so much to so many people. It was nice to hear stories and see pictures of a time before I knew Mother Hazel. Even though she had 92 great years, it was still hard to say goodbye.

The appointment on Friday went pretty much as planned. An ultrasound and bloodwork - but the results weren't quite as expected. They like for your estrogen level to be below 50, but her's was like 68. So we're put off a week on starting the stimulants. Doesn't really mean anything except that we're prolonging the whole process by a week, but what else do we really have to do.

I may not have the opportunity to write during the next couple of days, as I will be in Dallas for the next couple of days. I may have some juicy stories to share with you when I return.

Until then, take care!

blah

It seems like forever since my last entry, but here goes. I don't seem to have a coherent thought in my brain and rather than rant and rave I'll just speak of my life over the last couple of weeks.

Most recently my pastor's grandmother died on Wednesday. She was like a grandmother to alot of us and it is sad for us to see her go on, and even sadder to watch his family (many of whom I know personally and am close to) go through that process. The weekend will be full of services designed to honor her memory...alot of services mean little rest. I'm a rest junkie...never forget that.

On to the baby thing, cycle finally started (not that you wanted to know that), but it's a necessary part of this process. Now we're getting close to the good part or the more exciting part. I'm thinking we're going to start stims on Saturday morning, depending on how the appointment goes in the morning. More poking & prodding of wife's private spaces...yaa and fun fun for her I bet!!! Just in case I've never said, stims (stimulants) are the drugs/hormones that put her reproductive system into overdrive. They are responsible for the creation of multiple eggs (usually in wifey close to 30). Still given through injections, except the one injection that we currently do will turn into 5 - 3 in the am and 2 in the pm. 2 intramuscular and 2 sub q. The intramuscular ones are the ugliest because the needle is like 3 inches long and has to go all the way into the muscle. They're neither easy to give or take, but I'm sure they're easier for me to give than for her to take. She'll be getting the royal treatment for a while, rest assured.

This is so draining. Emotionally the worrying and the millions of thoughts that run rampant due to your lack of control is outrageous. You spend years of your life thinking that you'll have control over when/where/how/why you have kids and then to have that taken from you is almost dehumanizing. I realize that there are worse things and things could be 10 times worse, but allow me to take you for a ride into my world. Every where I go I see some pregnant woman or some man with his child. I see families with kids who are neglected, ignored and just plain unwanted and I wonder what qualifies them to have a child and yet at the same time what excludes me from joining the club. I see teenagers who 'slip' up and get some once or twice and bip bam boom they are parents. It just doesn't make alot of sense. Not that I begrudge anyone the joy of having children naturally, this is something - an incompleteness - that I wouldn't wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I know that no one promised me a rose garden - but my question is why was is printed on the brochure like it was a standard accomodation!

I'm sure there is a greater purpose in all of this and that I'll/we'll be able to help someone later in life with our testimony and be an example of God's grace, his provision and his answered prayers, but right now the pull is just a little tough. The trials seem to be a little too tough at times, and no one likes a whiner...lol. Least of all me!

Anyway, I know that I'm not alone in this and that my emotions and my feelings aren't new to God and that he sees me and will answer me in His time & His way. I try to find contentment in that.

School is kicking my butt. My teacher for my macroeconomics is a butthole! I hate teachers that try to make you feel like you don't know. He'll ask a question that he knows that we don't know and spend 30 seconds talking to himself about how his Monday night class is so much sharper. I was tempted to tell him to take his Monday night class and shove it up his...well you know. I can't talk about God and cuss in the same blog. I'm not that big of a heathen!

I'll be glad when school is over. Ooooh i started lifting weights last Friday. I'm gonna be sooo buff and soo fine. Everyone is gonna want me. Baby, if you're reading this you can rest assured I'm not gonna be passing out my na-na all willy-nilly like that!

Don't you hate mowing your yard when the news people say that is going to be like 100 degrees outside. I know my neighbors are passing around petitions to have me kicked out of the neighborhood because I'm bringing down their property values, but let them tell their bad kids to come mow it, heck I'm tired and hot!!

Ok...love you guys, but this is long enough already.

It's the weekend baby.....

Today was shot #1. Lupron...as I've said this shot is the easiest one (if there is such thing), but it takes like two seconds to give and she doesn't even whence. What a trooper she is! Kudos to you sweetie.... For anyone who is curious about the calendar and how this works.... here.

It's the weekend again. I'm finally over being flashed by Q and so I'm going out again tomorrow night. This time it's with tamer and more calm company and I should not see anyone's tits! The wife and I are gonna spend a little quality time tomorrow. It should be fun. I should have plenty to say on Monday.

I made an awesome stir fry last night, I mean awesome...either that or I was just darn hungry. Either way it was good to me.

****************
Life can often change in the twinkling of an eye. I think that it's simply amazing how tastes change with the seasons. My wife thinks I'm crazy, but there times that I crave something (like grapes) and two months later a pound of the very grapes I craved without abandon, will sit in the fridge until they are all dried out and withered up. I guess that it is just a part of human nature to change and to grow and that is part of what makes us special and unique creatures, but it is just mind boggling to me.

I have changed so much over the years. The core of who I am remained intact, but the accessories of who I am have change and continue to change.

My greatest fear has always been becoming bored - in life, work, church but really in my marriage. When I was preparing to be married my greatest fear wasn't that I wasn't marrying the right person per`se or that the flowers weren't the right shade of peach, it was that we'd run out of new & fresh things to say to each other. It was that after we had gotten to know each other and had lived our lives so fully and so completely that we would sit on the porch rocking our grandkids and have nothing new to say. I would have heard all of her stories and would be tired of them (and her). I would know all of her dreams and she would know me the same way and maybe be more tired of me than I was of her.

That fear has turned into my aspiration. I want to know all of her stories and I want to know all of her fears, her childhood dreams and her adult failures. I want to know her inside and out. And when we inevitably run out of things to share and reveal, we'll go create new ones together. That should be fun.....

I'm so tired....

I partied like it was 1999 last night. Well not that hard, but I partied harder & later than I'm used to. It was a friend's birthday and so off we went to celebrate. And celebrate we did all evening. Just a quick run-down of last nights high points: I got hit on by a 40 year old cowgirl (with three kids who said she was a model, but I think she works at IHOP). She tried to dance with me on every other song - country or hip-hop. I had to eventually escape to the other side of the club to avoid her unabashed advances. Next, we got flashed by JerQuita (that's a mouthful)....but she decided she liked us so she flashed us several times and repeatedly told us that she was proud of her "double d's." I got grinded and sandwiched between JerQuita and her unnamed white friend who was looking for her first black conquest. I had to remind them that even though I'm all sexy and stuff - "my goodies, my goodies, my goodies NOT my goodies!" I line danced, I did the e-e-e-e-lectric slide, I did the hustle, the bunnyhop. I mean I flat foot partied. We did the thang!

Now that I've said that, let me say that I am soooo tired this morning. Though I have the mind, wit and sexual prowess of an 18 year old, I have the bed time habits of a 70 year old. I likes to hit my bed early and often. I was yawning by 11:00 and I'm feeling the full effects of my late night now. Send me some coffee...please!

Tonight it's sleepville for me! Hopefully, my friend will call me so that we can run tonight, but if not I'll be slobbin and snorin by 9.

On to other things, we start with the whole injection process tomorrow (between 6 and 8 am). These shots are sub-q (under the skin) so they are easier to take. They are all easy for me to take since I don't take any, but these are given with a small needle and relatively painless so that makes me feel better. This shot will continue all the way through the process, but we will be adding the shots for stimulation in about 10-14 days. Those are the shots that are given intramuscular and can be quite painful.

It's hard to be optimistic about something that brings so much stress along with it. There are so many do's and don'ts - but nothing ~absolutely nothing~ guarantees success with this. The unknown is perhaps the most daunting task one faces when dealing with this. Along with the normal fears that impending parenthood brings, you're faced with all of this pre-stuff and you end up putting the cart before the horse. Wondering if you'll be good parents before you are even pregnant. Nuff said abt that for today.

lata...