Have you ever....

Have you ever wanted something so much it made u cry....
Have you ever needed something so bad u can't sleep at night...
Have you ever tried to find the words but they won't come out right...
Have you ever....

For those of you unschooled in the lyrics of Ms. Brandy Norwood, take a moment and re-read the previous section. Let the words marinate within you. Take a few moments and just think back over your life.

It's not unusual for people to have wants. We all want something...big or small, cheap or extravagant. One of the common threads among people is desire.

Have you ever found yourself wanting something that you couldn't have? Either because it was illegal, or because you had no true right to it, or simply because you didn't have the means to that end. No matter what the something is, does it always manage to escape your grasp?

I'm there now. There is a dream that I have, something that I long to see manifested. I would move heaven and earth to realize that dream. But alas, I can't do anything to bring it to pass. This is one of the few times in my life where I'm not in control. For those of you who don't know me, I love control. I don't particularly care for surprises...why? because they rob me of the decision making power!

So here I find myself...hungry and thirsty...no food in sight...no libation either. I'm dying on the inside but smiling on the outside. Is there an answer to my problem, I'm sure there is. But I don't have it. You don't either. The one person who can possibly grant my petition is being very quiet. And it angers me. Why give me desire and leave it unfulfilled?

I have no problems owning up to my own shortcomings. I don't have a college degree yet because of my mistakes. I don't have a Bentley yet because of my dumb decisions. But this thing that eludes me is nothing of my own doing. If I make a mistake that caused my lack then I can at least rationalize that and see why or create a gameplan for getting it. But this time I'm totally innocent. I'm just a man wanting something that it doesn't seem like he's going to get. Granted it's not been a long journey, as journeys go...but hell it's been a tiring one!

I'm drained. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of it permeating my dreams - day and night! I need some rest. But what if I get so good at resting that I'm too complacent and mad to come back. So what do I do - I keep obsessing over it and I keep pushing it back. I let it to the surface but then it becomes too much to bear so I push it back again. When it comes back it comes back with force...like now.

Life is what it is...just relax and go with the flow. Easier said than done.