How much???

How much is too much?

Are we moving outside of God's plan or taking too much into our own hands? If we move on to the next step will we end in failure there too because it's just not for us?

All questions that I wish I had an illusion of an answer to.

I wish I knew how much more we'd have to bear or how much longer we'd have to wonder or if we're even on the right track.

Control...it's what I lack in this situation. It spills over into other areas of my life.....uncontrollably.

I try to gain control in other areas to make up for my lack of it in this area. I want to have something my way. Something will make up for the lack in other areas. How funny is that? There is no real substitute or some place holder. There's no where to hide, no place in which to find refuge. Oh yeah there is, but that's the one place I don't want to be right now. I want to be as far away as I can.

You hear so many times that a dream delayed doesn't necessarily mean a dream denied, but how do you know the difference?

I'm just a little bitter today, it'll pass. It always seems to fade over time.

Anyway, I had a pretty good weekend. Didn't do anything worth reporting....

Went to a crab boil and was so satisfied by the food. I mean sooooo satisfied by the food. It was just a shame. I must've cracked athousand crab legs and ate a thousand ears of corn. The company was good too.

I still haven't mowed my lawn. My neighbors on both sides of me have and their freshly manicured lawns are taunting me. I'm tempted to do something evil to their lawns, I can't think of anything now, but I'm sure it'll come to me later.

Oooh, I bought an .85 shirt on Saturday. That had to be the pride of my weekend. I'm actually wearing it now. For .85, I must admit that it's quite cute. I could get used to this brand of shopping. Thanks JCP for the coupon!

Gotta get back to pretending like I'm earning my keep. Today is payday u know!

Hey It's Tuesday....

Is Wednesday really humpday? I would say that Tuesday - Thursday are all equally humpy!!!

But anyway it is Tuesday and I'm glad about it. I'm that much more closer to Friday than I was yesterday. I think that I live for the weekends...not that my weekends are spectacular or anything, but they give me an opportunity to not come to work and for that I am grateful. I think I missed my calling as a columnist for TVguide.com. I'd be great at watching television shows and giving summaries of them and doing other random tv related things. Does anyone know how I can get on there??? I have a couple extra resume's lying around that I'd be happy to forward you.

Until then, I guess I'm content to process records and perform data hygiene on them. It makes me happy to play a part in filling your mailboxes with junk offers, that you probably never take a second look at.

I had a purpose for writing today, but I just forgot it. So I'm done....

Life goes on.....

As much as it would placate me to lie around and wallow in my hurts and my pain, life goes on. After the call on Friday afternoon, I was reminded how quickly we are expected to rebound. I still had work to do, I still had weekend plans and I still had friends to tugged on me. For their benefit, I must say that none of them knows what I know or what I've been going through, but nonetheless I still had to be in a position to perform. I had to mask my hurt, disappointment and even my shame to be there for someone else.

Life does go on, despite what I may believe or wish, life doesn't stop because I'm in a funky place. I guess that's a good thing though, considering how often I'm in a funky place. The earth would never rotate if it depended on my mood to push it.

Anyway, I guess this gives me an opportunity to focus on other things in my life right now. What exactly, I'm not sure, but something. Are we done yet? Probably not, but we're not sure when or how or exactly what our next move will be. There are still options out there and maybe one of them are for us, who knows....surely not us.

We had a pretty laid back weekend. On Saturday we went to the spa for a day of pampering. We got our nails did, and backs rubbed and just really enjoyed the morning making ourselves pretty. Saturday night we had dinner and went to a movie with a friend. The plans were already made prior to Friday, but in hindsight it maybe wasn't the best idea. The couple we were out with are expecting there 2nd baby and the wife is like in the last stages of pregnancy. As she sat across the table from us pulling out the digital camera showing pictures of their first son and the newest addition to their family (a nephew) I realized that we probably should have skipped that meeting until a time when it wasn't so fresh. We didn't go off or anything and slap the camera out of her hand, but it's like pouring salt on an open wound.

With that in mind, we decided to skip church on Sunday and just chill out at the house. I made dinner and we tried to clear out the dvr of things that we'd been too busy to watch in the past couple of weeks. I roasted cornish hens, and in hindsight I probably shouldn't have done that. They were seasoned to perfection and just really good, but it felt like cannibalism. When eating a real chicken (in parts) you can kind of pretend it is something else, but when eating a cornish hen you know you're eating something that's whole. I just couldn't finish it - what's wrong with me..... Am I nuts???

Probably going to try to lay back as much as possible this week and catch up on some housework. The yard is rebelling again and it is time to tame it....lord please help me.

Today is the day...

Today is the day that we find out whether we'll be parents in the next year. We find out if all of this money that we spent and all of this energy that we expended will pay off in the way that we hoped it would. To say that I am anxious would be an understatement. To say that my wife is anxious would be a complete understatement. She was up most of the night. She just couldn't sleep. I woke up around 3 am and she wasn't there and when I called out to her, she was up front reading. I wanted to go be with her, but c'mon it was 3 am and sleep won out. But not for long because @ 5 am I was up with her. We were talking and laughing like it was noon or something. What is wrong with us?

We decided against taking a home pregnancy test because yesterday was her birthday and we didn't want any potentially bad news to dampen her day and since we knew that we would find out today we decided to wait and be surprised. Now my stomach is all in knots and I can hardly sit still, so I came in to work early. I know that until I find out my mind will be racing and I will hardly be able to concentrate on any one thing.

I think that we are both prepared for either answer. If it is negative, I am sure that we will both be hurt a little and may grieve in our own way, but now more than ever I am assured that there is a purpose for all of this. I may not know that purpose in totality, but there has to be a purpose. I often fight feelings and thoughts that make me question things bigger than me. Like what's the point in praying if it doesn't really control anything or make a difference. But then reality sets in and I realize that just because something doesn't turn out the way that I would want, it doesn't mean that God doesn't hear or understand. I am assured that he has my best interest at heart and that this life (as much as it bothers me) isn't about what I want but what he wants.

Though we're prepared for the worst, of course we're hopeful for the best (what fool wouldn't). Thank you for your kind words and your prayers and your encouragement throughout all of this. Very few, and I do mean very few, people knew that we were doing this again. We didn't even tell our parents, and so we had very little outside encouragement and support...so what you gave meant so much to me/us!

Of course I'll update the blog with the good news!!!!!

Sleepless nights and new computers.....

There's probably nothing worse than seeing every hour throughout the night. For the past two nights I've been up all night...and not in the **wink wink** good way. I've tossed, turned and had the craziest dreams. I was up at 2 am actually watching television. It's weird because I try to never see anytime between 2 & 6...unless I happen to be on a dance floor surrounded by people chanting and throwing dollar bills at my feet. By the way, why is there nothing good on tv after midnight. It's like sex & infomercial central.

It never fails that every area of my life goes haywire at once. If I could have one fire going at a time then maybe it would be a little more manageable, but no. Not only am I on pins & needles about Friday, but work is crazy. My computer officially died yesterday. Not only did it take the tech guy 2 hours to come even diagnose it but I lost alot of my stuff that I had accumulated over the last six years. I had to have software reinstalled and it just was an overall pain in the rear end.

Of course, having a new computer has advantages. It is faster and cuter and all new and stuff, but still. I wanted to scream and throttle the tech guy all afternoon. And of all days for it to crash, it would crash during one of my busiest processes. So I was rendered useless for 5+ hours. It doesn't help that I didn't get to work until 9. Yesterday wasn't the best day, but it was a great day because as bad as things were they could have been worse. Believe me...they could have been worse.

Today the wife officially becomes an old woman. She's 30. Yeah, I like my women like I like my scotch....old, brown & smooth.....lol. No seriously, she is aging well and her wisdom well exceeds her 30 years. Don't get it twisted, she has the beauty (and stamina) of a ripe 18 year old concubine....by the way - that is a compliment!

I have to run off to some meeting with people that I don't really want to talk to...but I'll try to learn something and if by chance that happens....I'll post it later.

A whole half a month....

It's been a whole half a month since I've posted. Not a whole half a month since I've had something to say, but a whole half a month since I've had time or energy or gumption (is that a word?) to post.

So much has happened since my last post. I've turned 27. I've become the father of triplets (if only for a couple of weeks)...... My how a life can change in 16-17 days.

First, my birthday was a week ago (Sunday). The day itself was pretty uneventful. I had a great weekend surrounded by friends and loved ones. The night before my actual birthday I experienced my first murder mystery dinner. I've only seen them on tv (Golden Girls is my clearest memory) but it was really fun. I really enjoyed it and the company.

On my actual birthday we were at UAMS having three embryo's implanted into my wife's uterus. 2 8 celled embryo's and 1 6 celled embryo. We spent the day laying around hoping they would implant and resting.

Since then we've been watching for any little sign of implantation. Trying not to get the hopes up to high but still trying to walk in faith. Do you have any idea how hard that is? The very substance of faith is hoping without doubt. Knowing and having complete trust. But I've learned to temper that faith with reality. May sound a little sacreligious, I know, but life has taught me to hope for the best while bracing for the worst. I know that whatever the outcome is, that we will be okay. And that this is not the end of the road, so to speak. I won't be bitter if the test comes back negative and I'm already preparing my spirit for that possibility. I won't withdraw from God or all things godly. I may cry, I may grieve a little bit for the children that were, but I won't allow my mind to twist a dream delayed into a dream denied. I hope that makes sense. It is barely making sense to me as I sit here writing this.

There is a popular contemporary gospel song 'Yesterday' by Mary Mary. There is a part that says - Either I'm gon trust ya, or I may as well walk away. I've been repeating that over and over to myself, trying to hammer that into my spirit. Because it is very easy to give up and walk away. But the harsh reality is that either I'm going to trust God and know that he has my best interest at heart or I really may as well walk away all together. Trying to reason out why something happens or why this is my journey doesn't really give much comfort. But when I put my confidence in knowing that I'm not walking this journey alone and that regardless of what the outcome of this battle is - there is a reason. I may never understand it completely or in part, but there has to be a reason. (most of this is more for my comfort than your reading...sorry you're having to wallow through this).

Anyway, this has been a pretty up and down ride. It is hard not to hope and get excited. If we didn't think that something was possible would we pay all of this money and spend hours and hours poking hormones into my wife and letting her be prodded & poked. On some level we have to think that it's going to work out in our favor.

We were in the waiting room with another couple and it was obvious that it was their first ever go round (vs. our 3rd) and it was kind of funny to see their excitement and their exuberance. They just had this aire about them. The just knew it would work and the only decision would be whether they'd have 2 or 3. It's hard not to want to bring them back to earth and burst their bubble. To at least cushion them some for the blow that may come, but at the same time it is hard not to catch that excitement or be that excited. I mean my gosh, you've come this far and you've seen this much. It just HAS to work. Anything less will be uncivilized - inhumane even!

We'll see....keep us in your prayers....whatever the outcome we will definitely need them!