Chaos.....

Have I become just a weekly blogger? Say it ain't so!!!

I have so much to say, but between work, internet surfing and chillin out I find very little time to say it. I do make time to read other's blogs though, so keep the good stuff coming.

Let's see.....what's new? Oh, I'm so gassy. A little TMI, I'm sure, but I'm really gassy. This is no normal gas. It's the kind that wakes me up in the middle of the night and lingers around my cube and curls the nose hairs of my coworkers. I'm not sure of exactly what's causing it....but oooh it's killing me....literally.

What else...oh first 5k is 09/30. I'm really excited. I'm hoping to break 27:00:00. I still have a month left, and my best time for a flat 3 miles is 26:41:46, so I'm right on target. If you wanna cheer me on and heap accolades at my feet, please feel free to do so. I'm not shy about taking your compliments...seriously!

My brother has a birthday tomorrow. Yeah, my stank will be 9 years old. How funny...I can still remember when he was smaller than a loaf of Wonder bread and now he's almost a grown man. Well not really, but you catch my drift. He's my baby and he's growing up. I have no idea what I'm going to get him, probably a gift card. That'll make him feel all grown up and stuff.

I hate telemarketers and senders of junk mail. My kitchen table is full of stuff, that I'm scared to throw away because what if I need it. My caller id is full of 'unknown names' - and I'm supposed to have some sort of block against that. Well, I guess it's not blocking. I need to check and make sure that I'm not paying for that..... I really get tired of cursing out telemarketers out. I try to be nice, I really do. But they don't seem to understand a simple 'NO thank you. I'm really not interested.' They're not happy until I yell repeatedly 'Hell, to da NAW' and hang up my cordless phone in their ears. And that always leaves me feeling a little empty on the inside because I know that they are simply trying to earn a living, and I can respect that. But I'd like for them to respect my right to say no. Please stop phone raping me. Trying to force your product into my pried shut, unopened & uninviting hands. No really does mean NO!

Toodles.

Running & throwing up and Sexual Healing!!!!

Have you ever been in the last quarter of a 3 mile run and had to will the bile from rising from your stomach to your throat to the street on which you are running? I can proudly say that I have. It was a great feeling - not the war against bile, but the running part. I can finally do 3 miles in less than 30 minutes. I can't quite run the entire thing, but hey who's splitting hairs. I run most of it and that is a helluva lot more than I could have said 8 months ago.

I'm almost happy with my weight loss. There are still those problem areas that being overweight for so long creates, but hey again who's splitting hairs. I have about 20 lbs to go before I switch from losing mode to maintenance. I wonder how I'll feel then, when my main goal won't be to lose and I won't have to be as strict. I'm sure that I'll still have a degree of strictness because without it I'll end up 300 lbs again, but I'll cast off a few restraints.

Life is sooo funny and I'm really enjoying the freedom that it brings. I was talking to a friend last night and we were talking about how we substitute things in place of what we really want. He substitutes ice cream and caramel for some of his deepest, darkest desires. That started me to thinking and questioning what I substitute for my desires. Since I don't always give in, I guess I have to substitute something, but I can't readily think of anything.

But I'm easily satisfied (ask the wife...lol). But seriously, I am really easily pacified. I was watching a show last night (Sexual Healing on Showtime) and it really solidified that fact for me. Sexual Healing is a show that helps couples deal with the sexual issues in their life. Their lack of sex or reasons that it might not be good or just problems in general in that area. It is a relatively new show, but it is so intriguing. It baffles me that these people are willing to get on tv and tell the cable buying world that their sex life isn't good. I would rather die. If is isn't good then slip a note under my pillow or something but don't take me on Showtime and put it out in the open....lol. But back to my point, this guy was talking about how his wife didn't like giving him oral sex (see I told you it was raw), but anyway he just had to have his daily dose of oral and so to fill that void he had several infidelities....some just oral.

It was at that point that I realized that there are few things that I value so strongly that I couldn't live without them. I adapt easily. If you don't like giving oral sex, then hey I can live without it. If you don't like to watch Seinfeld, then we can buy two tv's and each be happy. There are ways around most things and I look for them whenever possible. If you don't like green beans then I'll make you broccoli. See, I'm open and easy!

Just in case you were wondering, the wife started doing her husband and he vowed to stop letting other people play in her 'playground'. They just needed Dr. Berman to help them see the light.

That was the long (and nasty) way around the mountain, but I hope you get what I'm saying.

Lata!

Have you ever.....

Have you ever been so distracted by life that you washed your hair with face wash and your face with shampoo? Well I have...and it's not fun. After working out this afternoon I'm at home in the shower and I've washed all of the *important* things twice because there's nothing worse than walking around in the heat of summer with musty nutz, but I digress.... I've washed and I've washed again just to make sure that I got all the nooks & crannys, and so I'm washing my hair and I'm wondering why it's not as lathery as usual, but hey I'm in a rush and plus my mind is in overdrive. So I go to wash my face and I'm wondering why my face wash has this smell to it. It's supposed to be free of fragrances and stuff and so I open my eyes to find out that I've been washing and scrubbing my face with shampoo and my hair is full of face wash....

It was at that point that I realized how often I disconnect from what I'm doing. My mind is almost always racing with one thought or another. I can be driving and "wake-up" from thinking or daydreaming. I guess I need to take a chill pill and slow down and pay attention to what I'm doing before I really do some damage to myself or someone else.....

Anyway, life has been full since I've last blogged! Not very exciting but full nontheless.

I'm on a mission to lose at least 15 more lbs, hopefully 30. That will put me at an even 200 lbs. I don't remember the last time I've weighed that little. My main goal is to get to a place where I can gain 5 or 10 lbs and not be or feel sabotaged or bloated. The pounds aren't coming off as swiftly or as easy as they did at first. I guess that's a good thing though because if they kept coming off at that rate then I'd be dead soon, but hey I'm an instant gratification man!!

I'm tired, will write more later.

Decisions....

I'm sure that I've ranted about this in the past, but I feel it coming on strong today.

Why are the easiest decisions sometimes the hardest to make? What am I afraid of? Success or failure - it doesn't really matter because in the end I really only have to answer to myself (the wife is included in myself)!

Why am I so closely tied to the expectations and desires of others, when they are obviously so free from mine?

I know that this enigmatic, at best, but I seem to round this mountain once a quarter.

'A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.' While that little cliche is true, that first step can be the hardest and most gut wrenching step on one's life.

There is so much that I want to do - career wise, personally, spiritually....all around. But I often find myself stuck in a rut. Not for lack of desire or even opportunity, but because stepping out would most likely mean that I'd be uncomfortable. I'd have to risk failure and disappointment. I'd risk ridicule - and believe me I know how the people (friends) will ridicule if in fact you fail.

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine that would let me go back and make just a few decisions over. Not to change the totality of my life, but just so that I could change certain parts, certain decisions that I feel could have a huge impact on my life today. Instead of messing around in college the first time, I would have buckled down and applied myself. I know it's possible because I have a 3.8 GPA now. I'm no smarter now than I was then, but I'm a little more disciplined. I would have followed my dreams and picked a major and followed through and hopefully I would have a career instead of this job.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful at all. I'm very thankful for my job. I know many people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat, but when you're working in something that you know is not your destiny it leaves you a little unfulfilled.

My dad once told me that he hated his job - but it was a necessary evil. My dad worked at the same job for at least 28 years, diligently. He was a model employee, got raises, promotions - and the whole time he really didn't like what he was doing. He told me that I was the main reason that he stayed there so long. I immediately felt bad, but he didn't tell me for that purpose. He told me that because he was trying to convey to me the need to make good decisions upfront. He was trying to teach me the impact of decisions and how they can't often be undone. I am just now really beginning to understand what he was trying to tell me.

I respect my daddy for working a job that he didn't really like to take care of me (and him), but at the same time I pity him. Was he ever fulfilled? Was his happiness ever truly complete? He's not dead yet, so what hasn't happened still has the possibility to happen, but still. He's getting older and I wish that he'd had the opportunity to love his job when he was thirty. That's the same wish that I have for me. I want to love what I do. I want coming to work to be something that I look forward to, and not just because it pays the bills! Someday....if not just for me, then for my daddy!

Security Sucks!!!!

First things first, why does an employer make an employee take some stupid security course online and take some stupid 3rd grade course on security. I got 90% correct, but I can promise you that I know even less (and care less than that) about security than I did when I started the course. Something is wrong with that!

I had a pretty interesting weekend. Friday night I hung out with some cronies from my workplace. It is always interesting the conversations that we have and the places that we end up. The night started out with promise as we had dinner and shared a few workplace riddles and rhymes over a couple of beers and some good food. Then we progressed to the Fox & the Hound where we shot pool for literally hours. We must've shot a million games of pool. Much fun was had. We met up with an old girlfriend of one of the guys I was with and her lesbian friend (who had platinum blond spiked hair) and kept telling us how she could please this woman and that woman. More drinks were consumed and the conversation only got more interesting. After we left there, we ventured off and just rode around for a bit before I had to call it a night. All in all, a good time was had by all.

Saturday I slept in and caught up on some rest and just chilled. I missed both funerals & the wedding and just spent some time with myself (mostly sleeping mind you).

Sunday I went shopping with my little brother. And let me tell ya sumpthin, I think I'm addicted to shopping. I like clothes, and if it wasn't for the fact that they want to make u give them money before you can leave the store, I'd have soooo much more. I would wear something new each day.

Hi, my name is Arthur & I'm a shopaholic!

It's the weekend and I don't know what to do.....

I love the weekend, but I hate having too many options. I'm so in demand....everyone wants to hang out with me this weekend.

AllI really want to do is rest. I have 2 funerals and a wedding. One funeral is in South Arkansas (abt 3 hours away from my home). One funeral is in Central Arkansas (about 1 hour from my home) and the wedding is in NW Arkansas (about 3.5 hours away). That's just tomorrow. I don't know which to attend.

I promised to take my brother shopping for clothes on either tonight or Sunday afternoon. Have I said how much I just want to lay around?

My yard needs mowing and my clothes need to be hung up and folded up. Have I said yet how much I just want to lay around?

Anyway, Im sure I'll have plenty of stories to tell on Monday, but I doubt I'll have the energy to tell them.

I want to move. I want to go to school for something that I would actually like to do...not just something to get a job. Somebody hire me to do something that I like to do...please. Rescue me from this place. It's a job, but not a career. I want a career. I want to make a difference in people's lives, not just fill their mailboxes with junk mail!

Ok, maybe I'm ranting because one of my favorite coworkers has found another job and is leaving me behind. Take me with you...please take me with you!

New beginnings....

Sounds fun huh?

One of the great things about life is the numerous chances we have to start over. Many of those chances are automatic and don't really require alot of work on our parts. If you offend me, surely in time I'll get over it and our relationship can be stronger than it ever was. If I mess up my credit and finances to the point that I need to file bankruptcy, I have the chance to start over and become a millionaire. If I don't like my job, I can go to school and get some extra training and change it.

The key to starting over, no matter what the area, is learning. A million do-overs mean nothing if you've not learned the reason or the lesson behind your first failure or disappointment.

That's where I am in life now (today). I'm trying to look at the big picture of my life and see the areas that I am weak. And more than just recognizing those areas, I want to know (if possible) the causes behind that weakness. In the past I've wanted to know the reasons so that I could use them to beat up on myself and make me feel bad (anybody want an invitation to my pity party???), but today I want to know so that I can TRY not to make the same mistakes twice.

I want to be a better, smarter and leaner person today than I was yesterday. I want my thinking to evolve and grow. I don't want to be stuck in a rut. If there is something in my life that I am unhappy with, I have the power (mostly) to change it. And if the first change that I make doesn't provide the ultimate reward, then I have the power to change it again and again and again, until I finally get it right.

That's the thing about life, the only time you're unable to make change is once you die. And I don't plan on dying anytime soon.
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Oooh I want a bag of Doritos and a bowl of cheese dip.....soooo bad. Doesn't that sound good? Ooh and a Margarita!!!

I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from, but I must crucify the flesh. No fattening chips & dip for me. Darn this sexy body of mine and all that it requires for upkeep & maintenance! LOL

Trust, is it all its cracked up to be??

Trust. It's something that's a basic part of any relationship. Without it you might as well hang it up and call it a day. If I don't trust you then I have a hard time dealing with you beyond a superficial level. I have a hard time faking things, I can't fake liking someone for very long or my real feelings start to shine through. That is one of my biggest attributes and at the same time one of my greatest faults. I'm real, but almost to a deficit.

That being said, I'm having a hard time trusting God right now. I know that sounds sacrilegious, but imagine how bad it sounds to actually say it. It's not that I'm crazy or that I think that God isn't real or that He isn't Good. I KNOW all of those things to be true. Without a doubt I know who God is, but fitting the who and the what of his character into the reality of my feelings right now is where I run into a few bumps in the road.

I want to believe that regardless of how I feel now, there is a purpose for the emptiness that I feel inside. I want to know that there is a greater design for the delays in my life. I know that I should be grateful for the things that I do have, because with all of the lack in my life I can still look around and count several blessings. I'm not ignoring the fact that God has smiled on me in several areas of my life. I'm not crazy enough to curse Him and strike out on my own. Nor am I crazy enough to think that a pity party will make him change his mind and move outside of his timing.

I guess what I'm saying or what I'm getting at is how do I get back to a place of blind trust? Not guarded, not half trusting/half doing my own thing? How do I snap myself out of this spiritual funk that I've placed myself in? The answer is simple, but complex at the same time. I know that I need to just get back into the groove of things (spiritually speaking) and run into the arms of my Saviour, but I feel like wallowing a bit longer. That makes me feel like a baby who whines and throws a tantrum because he can't get his way or his favorite toy. Part of me feels justified in feeling that way, but I know that there are worse things and as silly as it might sound, I know that I can't get what I want without going through God. So though he may be the author of my confusion right now, he's also the only route to the place I want to go.

So as Job said in chapter 13 vers 15 - 'Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.' And though I don't mean slay in the literal sense, whatever comes my way I will stand. I will continue to confess that He is Lord and that He is Good! I will continue to find hope, and strength and refuge in his presence. Even when I have to go with a bitter taste in my mouth or with tears in my eyes or confusion in my heart, I will continue to go! I will always make my way back to the throne of God and I will always know (even if I never obtain that which I seek), I will always know that my God is/was/and will remail able to bring it to pass.