Decisions....

I'm sure that I've ranted about this in the past, but I feel it coming on strong today.

Why are the easiest decisions sometimes the hardest to make? What am I afraid of? Success or failure - it doesn't really matter because in the end I really only have to answer to myself (the wife is included in myself)!

Why am I so closely tied to the expectations and desires of others, when they are obviously so free from mine?

I know that this enigmatic, at best, but I seem to round this mountain once a quarter.

'A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.' While that little cliche is true, that first step can be the hardest and most gut wrenching step on one's life.

There is so much that I want to do - career wise, personally, spiritually....all around. But I often find myself stuck in a rut. Not for lack of desire or even opportunity, but because stepping out would most likely mean that I'd be uncomfortable. I'd have to risk failure and disappointment. I'd risk ridicule - and believe me I know how the people (friends) will ridicule if in fact you fail.

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine that would let me go back and make just a few decisions over. Not to change the totality of my life, but just so that I could change certain parts, certain decisions that I feel could have a huge impact on my life today. Instead of messing around in college the first time, I would have buckled down and applied myself. I know it's possible because I have a 3.8 GPA now. I'm no smarter now than I was then, but I'm a little more disciplined. I would have followed my dreams and picked a major and followed through and hopefully I would have a career instead of this job.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful at all. I'm very thankful for my job. I know many people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat, but when you're working in something that you know is not your destiny it leaves you a little unfulfilled.

My dad once told me that he hated his job - but it was a necessary evil. My dad worked at the same job for at least 28 years, diligently. He was a model employee, got raises, promotions - and the whole time he really didn't like what he was doing. He told me that I was the main reason that he stayed there so long. I immediately felt bad, but he didn't tell me for that purpose. He told me that because he was trying to convey to me the need to make good decisions upfront. He was trying to teach me the impact of decisions and how they can't often be undone. I am just now really beginning to understand what he was trying to tell me.

I respect my daddy for working a job that he didn't really like to take care of me (and him), but at the same time I pity him. Was he ever fulfilled? Was his happiness ever truly complete? He's not dead yet, so what hasn't happened still has the possibility to happen, but still. He's getting older and I wish that he'd had the opportunity to love his job when he was thirty. That's the same wish that I have for me. I want to love what I do. I want coming to work to be something that I look forward to, and not just because it pays the bills! Someday....if not just for me, then for my daddy!