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It seems like forever since my last entry, but here goes. I don't seem to have a coherent thought in my brain and rather than rant and rave I'll just speak of my life over the last couple of weeks.

Most recently my pastor's grandmother died on Wednesday. She was like a grandmother to alot of us and it is sad for us to see her go on, and even sadder to watch his family (many of whom I know personally and am close to) go through that process. The weekend will be full of services designed to honor her memory...alot of services mean little rest. I'm a rest junkie...never forget that.

On to the baby thing, cycle finally started (not that you wanted to know that), but it's a necessary part of this process. Now we're getting close to the good part or the more exciting part. I'm thinking we're going to start stims on Saturday morning, depending on how the appointment goes in the morning. More poking & prodding of wife's private spaces...yaa and fun fun for her I bet!!! Just in case I've never said, stims (stimulants) are the drugs/hormones that put her reproductive system into overdrive. They are responsible for the creation of multiple eggs (usually in wifey close to 30). Still given through injections, except the one injection that we currently do will turn into 5 - 3 in the am and 2 in the pm. 2 intramuscular and 2 sub q. The intramuscular ones are the ugliest because the needle is like 3 inches long and has to go all the way into the muscle. They're neither easy to give or take, but I'm sure they're easier for me to give than for her to take. She'll be getting the royal treatment for a while, rest assured.

This is so draining. Emotionally the worrying and the millions of thoughts that run rampant due to your lack of control is outrageous. You spend years of your life thinking that you'll have control over when/where/how/why you have kids and then to have that taken from you is almost dehumanizing. I realize that there are worse things and things could be 10 times worse, but allow me to take you for a ride into my world. Every where I go I see some pregnant woman or some man with his child. I see families with kids who are neglected, ignored and just plain unwanted and I wonder what qualifies them to have a child and yet at the same time what excludes me from joining the club. I see teenagers who 'slip' up and get some once or twice and bip bam boom they are parents. It just doesn't make alot of sense. Not that I begrudge anyone the joy of having children naturally, this is something - an incompleteness - that I wouldn't wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I know that no one promised me a rose garden - but my question is why was is printed on the brochure like it was a standard accomodation!

I'm sure there is a greater purpose in all of this and that I'll/we'll be able to help someone later in life with our testimony and be an example of God's grace, his provision and his answered prayers, but right now the pull is just a little tough. The trials seem to be a little too tough at times, and no one likes a whiner...lol. Least of all me!

Anyway, I know that I'm not alone in this and that my emotions and my feelings aren't new to God and that he sees me and will answer me in His time & His way. I try to find contentment in that.

School is kicking my butt. My teacher for my macroeconomics is a butthole! I hate teachers that try to make you feel like you don't know. He'll ask a question that he knows that we don't know and spend 30 seconds talking to himself about how his Monday night class is so much sharper. I was tempted to tell him to take his Monday night class and shove it up his...well you know. I can't talk about God and cuss in the same blog. I'm not that big of a heathen!

I'll be glad when school is over. Ooooh i started lifting weights last Friday. I'm gonna be sooo buff and soo fine. Everyone is gonna want me. Baby, if you're reading this you can rest assured I'm not gonna be passing out my na-na all willy-nilly like that!

Don't you hate mowing your yard when the news people say that is going to be like 100 degrees outside. I know my neighbors are passing around petitions to have me kicked out of the neighborhood because I'm bringing down their property values, but let them tell their bad kids to come mow it, heck I'm tired and hot!!

Ok...love you guys, but this is long enough already.