A whole half a month....

It's been a whole half a month since I've posted. Not a whole half a month since I've had something to say, but a whole half a month since I've had time or energy or gumption (is that a word?) to post.

So much has happened since my last post. I've turned 27. I've become the father of triplets (if only for a couple of weeks)...... My how a life can change in 16-17 days.

First, my birthday was a week ago (Sunday). The day itself was pretty uneventful. I had a great weekend surrounded by friends and loved ones. The night before my actual birthday I experienced my first murder mystery dinner. I've only seen them on tv (Golden Girls is my clearest memory) but it was really fun. I really enjoyed it and the company.

On my actual birthday we were at UAMS having three embryo's implanted into my wife's uterus. 2 8 celled embryo's and 1 6 celled embryo. We spent the day laying around hoping they would implant and resting.

Since then we've been watching for any little sign of implantation. Trying not to get the hopes up to high but still trying to walk in faith. Do you have any idea how hard that is? The very substance of faith is hoping without doubt. Knowing and having complete trust. But I've learned to temper that faith with reality. May sound a little sacreligious, I know, but life has taught me to hope for the best while bracing for the worst. I know that whatever the outcome is, that we will be okay. And that this is not the end of the road, so to speak. I won't be bitter if the test comes back negative and I'm already preparing my spirit for that possibility. I won't withdraw from God or all things godly. I may cry, I may grieve a little bit for the children that were, but I won't allow my mind to twist a dream delayed into a dream denied. I hope that makes sense. It is barely making sense to me as I sit here writing this.

There is a popular contemporary gospel song 'Yesterday' by Mary Mary. There is a part that says - Either I'm gon trust ya, or I may as well walk away. I've been repeating that over and over to myself, trying to hammer that into my spirit. Because it is very easy to give up and walk away. But the harsh reality is that either I'm going to trust God and know that he has my best interest at heart or I really may as well walk away all together. Trying to reason out why something happens or why this is my journey doesn't really give much comfort. But when I put my confidence in knowing that I'm not walking this journey alone and that regardless of what the outcome of this battle is - there is a reason. I may never understand it completely or in part, but there has to be a reason. (most of this is more for my comfort than your reading...sorry you're having to wallow through this).

Anyway, this has been a pretty up and down ride. It is hard not to hope and get excited. If we didn't think that something was possible would we pay all of this money and spend hours and hours poking hormones into my wife and letting her be prodded & poked. On some level we have to think that it's going to work out in our favor.

We were in the waiting room with another couple and it was obvious that it was their first ever go round (vs. our 3rd) and it was kind of funny to see their excitement and their exuberance. They just had this aire about them. The just knew it would work and the only decision would be whether they'd have 2 or 3. It's hard not to want to bring them back to earth and burst their bubble. To at least cushion them some for the blow that may come, but at the same time it is hard not to catch that excitement or be that excited. I mean my gosh, you've come this far and you've seen this much. It just HAS to work. Anything less will be uncivilized - inhumane even!

We'll see....keep us in your prayers....whatever the outcome we will definitely need them!